The first "other woman"

[s***@gmail.com]

Hello, friends! I've just joined this group because I'm desperately needing someone who understands this lifestyle to talk to about my new way of life. I have been in a relationship with my sweetie for 9 months now. Although we've said from the beginning that this will always be a poly relationship, he hasn't found anyone who attracted him until now. I've fallen very deeply in love with him (and he with I) at this point and although I knew this would be hard once I had to make space for another lover, I didn't realize it would be this hard. I have so many views about why polyamory works and how it can help me to be a stronger person. But right now all of my insane insecurities and fears are attacking me at all times of the day.

Although I have this idea that this lifestyle can work, I don't have any practical experience with it. In my past, when your lover finds someone else, you get pushed away and forgotten. I guess that is what I'm expecting, even though I don't intellectually believe that. But my body keeps reacting as if this is a huge and devastating breakup. I'm terrified to meet her and terrified of him telling me "no" when he wants to be with her instead.

I would LOVE to hear people's personal stories, ideas, advice about how they have handled this situation. This is my first time being in a poly relationship and so many very deep fears and anxieties are being stirred up. Any words of encouragement would also be very helpful.

Thank you so much!
~ Sarah

[David Weinshenker]

Post by s***@gmail.com
I would LOVE to hear people's personal stories, ideas, advice about
how they have handled this situation. This is my first time being in
a poly relationship and so many very deep fears and anxieties are being
stirred up. Any words of encouragement would also be very helpful.

General advice: "communication!!" (also patience and flexibility - on
everyone's part: some say "go at the speed of the slowest person".)

Also, some web links where you could find some of what you seek:

http://www.polyamory.org
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/meeting-stories/

(these haven't been updated in a while but the links
from the first site, at least, appear to still work)

-dave w

[Jenn]

Sarah,
I don't really have any advice because I'm so new to all this. I have been married for a long time and we've just recently began discussing polyamory(I introduced the idea). Insecurity and fear can be found in any relationship, whether it be poly or not and its usually a indicator that there is a breakdown in communication. It takes a great deal of courage and trust to talk about our insecurities and fears...but without putting ourselves in that vulnerable place, we can never hope to build a deeper bond to those we love. Good luck Sarah and know that you aren't alone, fear effects us all.

In peace and love,
Jenn

[SarahGirl]

Thank you, David & Jenn, for your encouraging words. That line, "go at the speed of the slowest person" really affected me and made me realize that I can ask for things to slow down! What a concept! Which I have done and have alleviated very much pain and anxiety because of it. We've spent so much time processing and making agreements this week and it's on my to-do list to meet her as soon as possible. Thanks again!

Post by Jenn
Sarah,
I don't really have any advice because I'm so new to all this. I have been married for a long time and we've just recently began discussing polyamory(I introduced the idea). Insecurity and fear can be found in any relationship, whether it be poly or not and its usually a indicator that there is a breakdown in communication. It takes a great deal of courage and trust to talk about our insecurities and fears...but without putting ourselves in that vulnerable place, we can never hope to build a deeper bond to those we love. Good luck Sarah and know that you aren't alone, fear effects us all.
In peace and love,
Jenn

[Jessica Hale]

I'm so happy to hear that you opened the line of communication and are putting your self in a position to to meet her. Congratulations.